We sit in a circle
tentative clasped hands
shaking postures
skittish eyes
flickering smiles
And, of course, there's the calm one
poised confidently,
legs crossed, back straight
head tilted, in a predisposed, compassionate gesture.
Even his hair seems to be tailored neglectfully
a puppy dog brown shag,
blending perfectly with the puppy dog brown eyes
with just enough scruffyness
to pull off the meek "You can trust me, I have the answers".
look.
something is murky here
all the patients twittering like a pack of nervous mice
lips twitching, eyes squinting, hands rubbing the backs of necks
Bathrobes are the dress code for most
some have even felt that it's the only layer needed
crossed legs give way to much view, in these cases
and the perfect counselor appropriately, averts his eyes
and fingers the double stitching to his Dockers Khaki's
Lifting his head slowly, brows needling
eyes paintshopped sky blue
with a thoughtful, clear gaze
he sweeps the room and lands on me
He says " Welcome, I'm Dr. Stavarias. So glad to see a new face!
Why don't you introduce yourself?"
Full Version: Observations from the "Circle of Friends"
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QUOTE (Eye's on you @ Feb 6 2012, 05:09 AM) 
We sit in a circle
tentative clasped hands
shaking postures
skittish eyes
flickering smiles
And, of course, there's the calm one
poised confidently,
legs crossed, back straight
head tilted, in a predisposed, compassionate gesture.
Even his hair seems to be tailored neglectfully
a puppy dog brown shag,
blending perfectly with the puppy dog brown eyes
with just enough scruffiness
to pull off the meek "You can trust me, I have the answers".
look.
There's something just too perfect about him
all the patients twittering like a pack of nervous mice
lips twitching, eyes squinting, hands rubbing the backs of necks
Bathrobes are the dress code for most
some have even felt that it's the only layer needed
crossed legs give way to much view, in these cases
and the perfect counselor appropriately, averts his eyes
and fingers the double stitching to his Dockers Khaki's
Lifting his head slowly, brows needling
eyes paintshopped sky blue
with a thoughtful, clear gaze
he sweeps the room and lands on me
He says " Welcome, I'm Dr. Stavarias. So glad to see a new face!
Why don't you introduce yourself?"
tentative clasped hands
shaking postures
skittish eyes
flickering smiles
And, of course, there's the calm one
poised confidently,
legs crossed, back straight
head tilted, in a predisposed, compassionate gesture.
Even his hair seems to be tailored neglectfully
a puppy dog brown shag,
blending perfectly with the puppy dog brown eyes
with just enough scruffiness
to pull off the meek "You can trust me, I have the answers".
look.
There's something just too perfect about him
all the patients twittering like a pack of nervous mice
lips twitching, eyes squinting, hands rubbing the backs of necks
Bathrobes are the dress code for most
some have even felt that it's the only layer needed
crossed legs give way to much view, in these cases
and the perfect counselor appropriately, averts his eyes
and fingers the double stitching to his Dockers Khaki's
Lifting his head slowly, brows needling
eyes paintshopped sky blue
with a thoughtful, clear gaze
he sweeps the room and lands on me
He says " Welcome, I'm Dr. Stavarias. So glad to see a new face!
Why don't you introduce yourself?"
Ooof! That makes me feel crawly!
Watch out for your wallet!
Well, I have one suggestion:
"There's something just too perfect about him"
All of your poem is painted with vivid colors and
descriptions.
All but the one strong judgmental conclusion
that you tell us rather than show us.
If you said something like:
There's this something about him:
all the patients twittering like a pack of nervous mice
lips twitching, eyes squinting, hands rubbing the backs of necks...
You'd do it better of course.
But as it is, it's convincingly realistic!
Well I could make it even eerier... lets say that there's just this mysterious quality that implies that the well tailored, perfect understanding look of a doctor... is really all just a act to fool patients into confiding him. That's actually what I wanted to convey to begin with, but I guess it didn't come across. I want the reader to feel like there's no way in hell I'm going to talk to this guy.... but in the same time, I want them to feel guilty about why they won't, and feel a nagging bit of doubt about their assessment of him.
Btw, This is me trying my hand at the master of suspense's style, Dean Koontz. I know I don't even come close, but I've always gone gaga over his storytelling. Dean is a an amazing prose writer. None better.
Btw, This is me trying my hand at the master of suspense's style, Dean Koontz. I know I don't even come close, but I've always gone gaga over his storytelling. Dean is a an amazing prose writer. None better.
Any takers?
QUOTE (Eye's on you @ Feb 6 2012, 10:47 AM)
Well I could make it even eerier... lets say that there's just this mysterious quality that implies that the well tailored, perfect understanding look of a doctor... is really all just a act to fool patients into confiding him. That's actually what I wanted to convey to begin with, but I guess it didn't come across. I want the reader to feel like there's no way in hell I'm going to talk to this guy.... but in the same time, I want them to feel guilty about why they won't, and feel a nagging bit of doubt about their assessment of him.
Btw, This is me trying my hand at the master of suspense's style, Dean Koontz. I know I don't even come close, but I've always gone gaga over his storytelling. Dean is a an amazing prose writer. None better.
Btw, This is me trying my hand at the master of suspense's style, Dean Koontz. I know I don't even come close, but I've always gone gaga over his storytelling. Dean is a an amazing prose writer. None better.
Well, really, I think that you painted a movie with words that didn't need
that concrete instruction with that one exception in which you told us
rather than showed us.
I got the message almost right away and that's because you
are very, very, very, good at making all of the implications needed.
This is a wonderful poem as it is.
I simply thought that when you spelled it out for us, we really didn't
need to be told rather than having made the point by showing it to us.
Trust us. We aren't so stupid that we'd miss the point.
I think you're getting better and better with every new work.
Alright, you convinced me. I changed that line. There wasn't much of anything new I could add, but that's okay, because, like you said, I already have quite a bit here to begin with.
I'm feeling up for a new poetry challenge here soon.. how about you?
I'm feeling up for a new poetry challenge here soon.. how about you?
QUOTE (Eye's on you @ Feb 16 2012, 07:23 AM)
Alright, you convinced me. I changed that line. There wasn't much of anything new I could add, but that's okay, because, like you said, I already have quite a bit here to begin with.
I'm feeling up for a new poetry challenge here soon.. how about you?
I'm feeling up for a new poetry challenge here soon.. how about you?
I'm up to read other people's entries, but not really up
to writing anything.
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