My Life
By Sarah Kesich
July 24th, 2002
Theme - Sad

The tv lay idle
The stove is now broke
The rooms are filled with lost memories
And cobwebs and smoke

The piano is out of tune
And doesn't sound right
The sounds of happiness
Are lost in the night

The door is coming loose
And the shutters have fallen
The phone's been disconnected
So no one's been calling

The grass is overgrown
And the flowers have wilted
It sure looks different
Than when my dad built it

The old tree outside
Is nothing more than a stump
The paint's slowly peeling
The place looks like a dump

The garage door won't open
And the steps are a bit weak
The wood is starting to mold
And the faucet seems to leak

The floor creaks a lot
The furniture has faded
The pictures are wrecked
None seemed to make it

The clothes that were left
Have holes everywhere
The dress bought for prom
Even that has a tear

The carpet is dark gray
Unlike the once innocent white
The nails stick out of the wall
And nothing else is in sight

My mother is far away
But I'm not quite sure where
Dad's buried under a maple tree
With lots of love and care

Sister's in a state somewhere
Well- unknown by me
She left home a while ago
So I'll let her be

I am the last one to remain
And I shed a tear in strife
I watch the men tear down my memories
Before I walk away from my home...

My life

I liked this and the vivid image you paint here. I think you should look at the spelling errors though. *wink*

Seriously though, you tell a hauntingly sad tale. It has imagery and emotion, and I like that. I think your wording in the first stanza could have been a little better, and the rhythm got off in some places, but I liked this over all.

I felt as if I was seeing through your eyes. It was such a sad site that my heart ached. I hope all that isn't honestly true. It's so sad that I wouldn;t wish it upon anyone.

This is one really sad poem. I like the flow and the seemingly effortless rhyming that plods along through out. I love the detail with which you describe the building and there is very little i would suggest changing about this but as always there were somethings my critical eye noticed. :D



Is there any need for the word JUST in here? I think its an unneccesary word that would be best removed as it serves no purpose.



Here i think the last line has an akwardness to its flow. Instead of saying looks like you could just say is. All it would serve to do is shorten the sentence and improve the flow ever so slightly without actually changing any meaning. :)



Here the faucet seems to leak. Seems implies that you may be wrong about it leaking. That seems unneccesary to me. I would remove the words SEEMS TO as they are surplus to requirements :)



Here i would actually add in a word to help improve the flow so that is read thus:

The dress bought for prom
Even that has a tear



Here is the only real change that i think you should make to improve this poem. My suggestion:

The carpet is dark gray
unlike the once innocent white

What do you think? :)



With this i suggest putting MY LIFE on a line of its own with a clear line space. I think it would add strength to the loneliness of this poem if MY LIFE was actually placed on its own. Its make a bolder statement i think.

So overall I made quite a few suggestions. Most of them superficial I know but then there is not much that needs to be done with this poem. I think you have turned out and excellent piece of poetry that is very striking in its feeling and i am quite prepared to move this to the showcase, if anyone would like to second my opinion? :)

Very well done indeed :)

Yes, a sad story that some of us can relate to.

I like Rigor's edits. They put balance in the rhyming lines and greatly improve the flow, making it easier on the reader.

Bubba

thanks you guys and rigor, I took some of your advice and I think it sounds better for it!

this is really beautiful hun. the imagery is amazing, the only think i would suggest is how does it all smell; dank? dry? etc. the emotions were flowing like water. you have a really beautiful piece of art here. great job.

thank you so much. this just makes me want to right more, considering I wrote this at 2:30 this morning when the first stanza just popped in my head so I woke up and wrote. weird huh?

nice! It reminds me of this poem i read once... some famous dude or something wrote it... it was in my english book. It basically describes the house and how dirty its gotten and wondering what happened to the people. Your poem reminded me a lot of this. For some of the lines, a different word with softer syllables would flow better, but overall i truly enjoyed reading this.

And cobwebs and smoke

On this and would it sound better "Of Cobwebs and smoke"

But over all i really LOVED this peice

yes, a very sad poem, but great use of the vivid imagery, it flowed and turned it out incredible.

Nice job :)

I think everyone else covered all the major points and saying how great it was but I figured I'd let you know that I personally thought it was an awesome while very sad poem and I enjoyed reading it.


~Alexandria~

Moved to the showcase. :)

OMG thank you soooooooooooo much *sheds a tear*

Sarah, I don't see how this poem can be true, cause your TV would never lay idle! Nice job!

Wow, Sarah. I read this poem....and, I love it. The emotion comes through so clearly, and the imagery is extremely vivid, I can actually picture it. This is a fantastic poem. Great job, babe! :)

Congratulations on getting it moved to the Showcase, it's definitely worthy of being here.

thanks a lot! :D

Quaint little piece. Although very childish, it is sort of fitting. But please could you change the poor grammar in the first stanza? 'Broke' should be 'broken'.. Hope you don't mind criticism. I think criticism is as necessary as praise. Keep writing..

so... was calling it childish good or bad, since it's hard to actually tell.

I am a bit behind here in my readings, so glad I picked this one to look at. I read the comments and I would say Rigor is on top of it!! Yes, the poem only needed really minor changes, yet it is still very enjoyable..

Superb detail !! I like details !!

could reaally feel the emotion in this.. good work ;)

This poem gave me some sadness too, but you know what it was a good sadness, so overall you're writing is spechless, and I'm at a lost for words. everything you write comes from your heart and soul, and never let anyone tell you otherwise.

oh wow, that is like the sweetest and nicest thing i have ever heard about my poetry. thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

*wipes away tear from eyes* this is really good

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what's with the exclamation points there emily, lol

sorry, got bored! lol

O MY GOD!....WOW!...i dont know what to say....it is so painful...there is soo much hurt there Sarah.....i love it....WOW!

Moving this into the book per request of the author.

very sad could really feel the emotion in this .. good work ;)

excellent poem, a very powerful write. Well done!


(Late in reading as usual.)

wow, ireally loved this!