Why, I do indeed wonder as of late
do you [god] continue with this
imperfect
wrought with error
flawed
painful
process
called life?

do you laugh at our mistakes?
our horrible sins?
smirk when we make the wrong decision

Why not like a loving parent
who sees from the corner of their eye
their young three year old
reaching for the right front burner on the stove
with their delicate hand
do you not run with all of your might
to intercede
and save the day?

why?

This has a lot of potential to it.  However, there are things that work against this peice that could easily be turned to work with it.


First of all, the lines imperfect, flawed, painful, and process, you could extend those lines to included images that seem inanimate, that way you create a feeling of God there as well.

Then, I think you should make decision decisions.  that way it rimes with sins.  It already half rimes, sin, decision, but if you ad the s, you get a ful rime, and it really makes that stanza pleasant.

Then, the only other think I can meintion is the last why does nothing to help the peom.  We are clear already that you are aksing why, so the last line really takes all the attention away from yoru previous words, and really nullifies the piece.

nefarious_tool, I appreciate your comments, as i did for my other piece. but i do not write to be told how the poem should be written.

It is how it is written. and shall not be re-written or probably looked at again.

i have misgivings about this sight for that very reason. unless i submit my piece specifically to be "corrected" or made better, they should be taken at face value.

this is not a class.  
i do not believe in correcting someone's poetry or music unless otherwise asked.

You may argue that i am asking by the mere act of posting. but i am not. i am posting my piece as is, as will be, as crappy or as good as it is and am not looking for constructive criticism to make it better.

that is what i hated most about poetry class. and if this is that sort of sight [which i'm starting to think it is], i will leave.

I enjoy sharing poetry
but find no worth in the systematic
dissection of feelings.

thankyou.

Ok, well, I see no benefit to anyone by being told thier poem is good or bad without supplying reaonsing for the opinion.  I won't respond to any more of your peices because sayin oh I liked that, or oh that is bad, is worthless and eithe rmalicious or ego building.

As far as your policy on writing, you can do whatever you want, obviously, but why post something on a message board if you don't want any responses.  If these are all poems that you have written, and think are great, and don't wish to change, then send them in to be published, or share them with friends.  A message board is to have discourse about whatever you post, and with the positive will come the negative.  I don't care what your personal motives for posting are.

I don't understand why people write words on paper and show them to people, only to say that they wrote it for themselves and don't care what that person thinks.  If  you wrote it for yourself, keep it to yourself.  If you are writing it to appeal to others, or get their emotions flowing with your unique writing style, then you should be open for all comments.  You are not a writer.  You make diary entries and then show them so people will think better of you.  Sorry, that is my opinion.

you need not apologize for your opinion.

here is mine as well, unapologetically.

A message board is to share your work. whether it is good
or bad. It is not a "how to write poetry" Class.

It is a unique opportunity, afforded to only those in the past who were accepted by publishing houses.

If upon receipt they loved your work, you would get published. If upon receipt they did not, you would not get published.

Here, on the internet, at a message board such as this one,  you need not have to worry about being accepted by an editor or whether your work is good enough to sell--or even good.

You are both accepted and good enough by the mere fact that all you have to do is hit "post article."

It is wonderful to be able to share like this.

If someone reads your work and they like it, they can hit "add reply" and write a few words telling the author such.
"hey, i liked your piece."

If they read it and they don't like it, they don't have to say anything at all. BECAUSE: this is not a class. we share to share. not to hear how you [who is not a teacher or a poetry expert] think a line, a word, an image, or a phrase, could be made better.

"So then all you want to hear is good things about your work to build your ego" you might want to argue. But you are wrong if you assume this. That is not the case.
The point of these boards is to share.
SHARE SHARE SHARE
for free
and if somebody happens to like what you shared, they can tell you. and if somebody doesn't like what you shared, they can leave your piece alone.

Maybe i am ideal in my views of these boards. but i've seen other boards work in this way. and it works.

So sorry, but we are a community, not a bulletin board.  It is not just SHARE SHARE SHARE as you put it.  We are here to share work, comment on it, improve if the commetns are welcome, and speak our minds, drawing us all closer.

You are full of shit about publishment.  It is not a unique opportuinity.  Thousands of publishers are dying for poems to print.  I have been published a number of times now, and my work pales to the works of great writers.

The internet is not a garbage heap for others to toss thier trash, as you would have us beleive.  But you are correct in one statement, it is free speech a place were anyone can post anything, so who are you to tell people what they can and can't post?

No, this is not a class, but it is not a church either.  There is no need for secrecy, or silence.  Everyone here is allowed to state thier views, and when you post here, you must learn to expect and respect those posts.

No, you are not ideal in you views, they are and impotent.  All you want to do is post crap to feel better about yourself, and be left alone if you are rejected.  This is not some annonymous club where you can say what you want, and hide behind an IP address.  You must come to terms with the fact that everythign you write leaves something to be desired.

No I am not an expert or teacher of poetry, but I do know a lot about it.  I would say I am near expert knowledge, and in a year, I will be there.  Thanks for you comments though.  Good bye.

nefarious_tool, you reveal your lack of maturity and age in your words.

I can tell i'm dealing with someone young.

you miss my point entirely and your use of profanity is unnecessary.

you are now wasting my time.

Profanity is a very usefull tool in a debate, and the only reason you attack it is because you have no counter point to offer.  I am 21 years old, and you don't know me, so any personal attack on maturity or character is in vein.  However, know that I am a moderator on these forums, and have not once deleted or edited a post that was slandory or malicious against me.  I take everything very seriously, and until you can provide a good response to this discussion, I will assume you are wasting the time of each of us.  Please, do not shut me out because you have no response, rather, offer some more topic matter to discuss.

I am almost afraid to comment on this poem. Lol. J/k. I thought your poem was insightful and questioning, like looking through the eyes of a child. Interesting idea. I read in a book once that "to see the world as it is surely leads to madness; better to see the world you wish to see." I also know that throughout history, the lines "igorance is bliss" is repeated an ungodly amount of times, each way finding a new way to say exactly the same thing. I suppose that is just for reinforcement b/c I've also been told (lol) that poetry is finding a new way to say something old, or an old way of saying something new. Interesting concepts I should think. Anyway, the point is, I like what you wrote, and I also like the questioning of the world surrounding us and not taking anything at face value. I know I'm babbling now...hehe. Good work though!

sigmond, did you come from Starlite cafe by any chance?  mkay.  anyways, I'm gonna post how I normally do and say what I think of this poem.  If you dont' like it, don't read it.  The point, as I see it, of a poetry forum is to respond to peoples work, hense the "reply" button.  Otherwise, it would be a read only website.  

I liked the "why" at the end.  The [god] was a nice stylistic characteristic that is rarely used because most people cannot pull it off.  This pulled it off.  I liked the "delicate hand"

I like the poem.  *ducks*

                   ~Sammo, the happy atheist

Lmao. Samia, you're a crack up. :) I did too though hun.

Ack! Just thought of something though. In future poems, instead of using the brackets, maybe try capitalization. For instance, instead of "you [God]...", try "You" instead. The message still gets across but not so obviously that way. That, and then there is no interruption. Just a suggestion.