On What to do with Truth

Always write a lie if any vulgar words will do;
there’s often harder questions if you give an honest answer.
Never write the truth or else you’re bound to make it true.

If ever man should weave a dream of starting life anew,
better fabrication or erasure – never safe to chance her –
always write a lie if any vulgar words will do.

Doctors prophecy perfection after spurts of flu
but bless a body (whispering curses) if they augur cancer:
never write the truth or else you’re bound to make it true.

Suddenly foundations shake, and life seems like it’s through,
yet calling gods’ and devils’ fire plays the pyromancer.
Always write a lie if any vulgar words will do.

And every curtain closes, every actor bows on cue,
though a little music works quite well as ambiance enhancer.
Never write the truth or else you’re bound to make it true.

But all these situations never conjured pain like you,
so there will be no poem composed for my beloved dancer.
Always write a lie if any vulgar word will do,
never write the truth or else you’re bound to make it true.

November 13, 2008

excellent poem.
I love the interplay between the two protagonist lines
and how they finally met up in the last stanza.

my only crit
(assumming you want such a thing)
is that I thought it was a bit thin here

Doctors rarely mix prescriptions if it’s just the flu,
but no one wants to see the page confessing they have cancer:

... just seemed to lack magic.

I have no idea why you'd question my desire for criticism...I don't post anything I don't want torn to shreds.

Do you have any ideas for what to do with those lines? The form is pretty stiff - is it the idea that's not working or the execution of the idea?

I thought you'd be ok with it.



the word
prescriptions
seems to grate.

maybe something less worldly
like

Doctors speak in tongues if it’s just the flu
yet no one wants to hear the voice of cancer:.

or

Doctors only speak in tongues if it’s just the flu
yet no one wants to hear the voice of cancer:.


I don't know much about the form.

Gotcha'

I like your ideas, I'll see how I can whittle that in.

Thanks!

Any better?

I'd say now it is too convoluted.
I can see how a reader would be scratching his/her head.
The image needs to be clearer.

Doctors prophecy perfection after spurts of flu

... who has the flu, the doctor or patient ?
what kind of doctor is involved in prophecy
and the word perfection is practically indefinable
in a pragmatic world.


but bless a body (whispering curses) if they augur cancer:

I find this confusing.
We have prophecy, perfection, bless, whispering curses
all related to doctor, somehow.
Very difficult to see a single image from this disparity.
Add to that the potentially accurate word augur
but one that draws a lot of attention to itself
because of its exotic flavour.


in my example

Doctors speak in tongues if it’s just the flu
yet no one wants to hear the curse of cancer:.

there is a blend of only
two ideas, biblical mysticism
and a medical prognosis.
if the lines don't add up to the proper syllable count,
maybe add modifiers that support one of the two ideas.

out of the two you have written,
I prefer the first attempt.

what do you think ?

I don't quite see how speaking in tongues would relate to the action a doctor would do towards the flu - that's my main problem with your suggestion - It sounds like empty words instead of something that puts forth an idea.

I am currently at a loss - there aren't many words I can fit in there that will still keep the idea of the poem and keep the forum intact.

This is why I normally write in free verse!

Any second opinions out there?

I do appreciate your comments - you make a lot of good points about my...attempts.

SkaaDee has a good point in here. These two lines really confused me a little, though I really liked your poem.

Funny, but I didn't notice it's rhyming. Only after reading you mentioning the stiff form. Then really a bow towards you - this form is really hard.
Thanks for sharing

... well, whichever stanza three you end up using,
I like this poem. It's been rattling in my head
for a few days. I like the interplay between the main two lines.