Loneliness

The newspaper crossword laid bare on the table,
And there he could see himself.
Two down,
Eight letters,
To cause to become
Disordered.

Words crossed like their lives,
These moments defined
The darks shadows between them,
Bonding through shared letters
Become notes
Become thoughts
Become memories
And there he could see her love.
Three across,
Six letters,
A statement or act intended to mislead,
Fraud,
Or trick.

All those white boxes strung together in numbered lines
Formed the 2d tangent of their relationship.
A two-way mirror
Through which he sees another reflected in her joyful eyes
He sits puzzled on the dark side
And there he could see her friends
Four across
Five Letters
A defence by an accused person

He penned his conclusions,
Trying to decipher the clues,
Complete the puzzle.
Down and across,
Patiently filling in blanks.

The clock silently counted away his limited time
And as he folded away the unfinished crossword,
He realised that life must move on.
Placing the lid on his pen he walked away.
His pained mind plagued by
Nine down,
Ten letters,
The feeling of solitude.

I really liked the first two and last two lines on this piece. They did a great job of tying it all together. the imagery of putting away a crossowrd, or putting away a painful situation, was very well done. Bravo.

I will have to say that this poem has a brilliant and intriguing idea going on. I love the idea of placing our lives in the puzzle image. I agree that the first two and last two lines really do a number for the piece.

However, I think that the middle is a bit obscure or rushed. There is the mention of a love, then deception, and then loneliness but the poem in the end really leaves me with a longing to know more about the lost relationship than the way our lives fit in to a crossword.

I think that either taking out the limited concentration on the lost love, or really focusing on it would help out a lot.

If I have any bright ideas on how to do this I will come back. :)

okay working on what you have said john, ive made changes. Im still not too sure about them all, so any critisism is appreciated :)

Loneliness

The newspaper crossword laid bare on the table,
And there he could see himself.
Two down,
Eight letters,
To cause to become
Disordered.

Words crossed like their lives,
These moments defined
The darks shadows between them,
Bonding through shared letters
Become notes
Become thoughts
Become memories
And there he could see her love.
Three across,
Six letters,
A statement or act intended to mislead,
Fraud,
Or trick.

All those white boxes strung together in numbered lines
Formed the 2d tangent of their relationship.
A two-way mirror
Through which he sees another reflected in her joyful eyes
He sits puzzled on the dark side
And there he could see her friends
Four across
Five Letters
A defence by an accused person

He penned his conclusions,
Trying to decipher the clues,
Complete the puzzle.
Down and across,
Patiently filling in blanks.

The clock silently counted away his limited time
And as he folded away the unfinished crossword,
He realised that life must move on.
Placing the lid on his pen he walked away.
His pained mind plagued by
Nine down,
Ten letters,
The feeling of solitude.

okay the poem was supposed to have staggered lines in it but the spacing has not come through after i have posted it, so you will all just have to accept it as is :D

I like the second version better than the first one. I also like the entire idea for this piece. Its very creative using the puzzle and relationship together. This was one of the most interesting things I've read here in awhile. Good job.

I've had problems with the spacing here before too. Sometimes if you repeatedly edit it it will fix it but other times not. Anyway, good write. I enjoyed reading it.

Thanks Lyndsey :)

I Have entered this in the poetry book as my choice. :)

And an excellent choice it is too. We will make sure when the publishing is done that all the spacing and indentation is correct.

cheers John :bounceonfire:

Yay Paul!! I love this! It's interesting and different, but really familiar all at the same time. I really really enjoyed it! Great job!

Wow. Hun, I loved the first draft of this poem....but the second draft is absolutely fantastic.

I love this concept, it's such a different idea, and a different take on an idea. I'm glad you expanded on the ideas in the poem, it really adds something extra to it, gives the reader a fuller picture.

Definitely deserves to be in the book, hehe :) Fantastic job!

I am gonna beat some people over the head if they don't start letting us know who moved the poems. I'm serious, too. *wicked grin*

savster. take a look at my post under falcons reply. I said right there that i had moved this

well im here.......thank you all for your kind words. :) im glad you all like it :)

Piss monkey. I'm a moron! *slaps her forehead* Oh, it's been a long day and Isa been sick. Forgive me?

I liked this one btw. In all my ranting, I forgot to compliment the poet. Yeesh! Isa frewing up all ova da place!! *pouts*

tis okay savster :)

this is really good the whole puzzle thing so well fits to life we get hints and clues but ultimately the big picture is left to the creator.

Cheers beth. I absolutely loved creating this poem. it was a puzzle in itself. :)

Paul, this was absolutely amazing- one of the best poems I've read while I've been on Drytear. Wow... you deserve flowers :flowers: Excellent write.

Awwwwww! :) how sweet! and flowers for me. :) *takes a deep extravagent bow* My pleasure :)

I think this is the first time I ever read one of Paul's poems. Nice job Paul, very cool.

thanks for reading. i have quite a few poems around if you find the time. not alll as good as this one mind you :)

Lol, A.M., I too had the pleasure of reading one of Paul's poems for the first time and it being this one. It's great, Paul (as if I haven't said that enough before)!

No you cant say it enough. i need the praise every second of every day ;) :D

Well i read your poem and it's wow. theres not very many words for it

true poet can see what they need, what or what should be observed. Stagger lines or none. The impact was forceful


You have created a perfect situation. Based a real life heart ache on a real life activity. Crosswords are meaningless.. Until now. You have opened my eyes to a deeper meaning. Very philisophical.

okay another bump of another very old poem of mine. I still love this poem and carries some importance to me as a memory.

Paul,

This was creative, clever and very well written.

The poem resonated with emptiness.

The ending was perfect:




When and if time allows you really should write more.

elise

This is quite extraordinary, Paul. I need to look up more of your stuff. I'm so glad that you bumped it.

Thanks Elise. Sometimes I wish I had the time to write more poetry but the truth is that over time poems come to me and I sit down and write them there and then. I do not force myself to write because when I do they rarely turn out to be any good. Very few turn out to be as good as this.

Thanks also Pamme for leaving a reply.

Isn't it amazing to see how far we've come from a piece that seems to be written ages ago?
And sometimes eerie on how relevant it can be to a present situation perhaps?
Despite everything else, I have always enjoyed the gems that you do decide to post around here.

In the sadness and break up of a relationship it is relative to my present situation. Other than that the content of this poem does not fit with my present break up. While at present my break up is awkward yet quite amicable, the break up this talks about reminds me how horrible some women can be. How little they care for anyone but themselves. Of course we can all be that way at times to one degree or another.

Glad you enjoyed this Rae.