Genre: Dark
© Copyright Lili Breschinskyl June 25th 2002

Picture

I sit here, looking at it
And it seems so child-like;
All jagged edges, unjoined lines,
Like a 3 year old's first attempt at drawing,
But it's not; it's mine.

I look at it from one way
And it seems like a tree in winter,
A bit lopsided; all branches on show,
Wind blown; all leaves are gone.
And it could be, it really could.

But I look again, and it seems like a river
A river and its tributaries,
Flowing to who-knows-where.
Except...it isn't.

It's the wrong colour for one thing,
Red, instead of blue, like water should be
Like water always is
Except if it's polluted
But that has no relevance here.

I have to be careful,
The slightest jolt, the slightest touch
Could make it branch out somewhere else,
Like water spilled from a cup,
Falling unpredictably.

Except...this isn't water.
Not this picture.
This picture is drawn with blood,
Carved with razor blades,
All jagged edges, unpredictable lines.
Even I don't know what they are,
Not until they're finished.

They're always an accident, these pictures.
I don't mean to have pictures,
I just want release.
Release from all the pain inside
All the hurt in my head, in my heart,
In my mind.
And this is my release.
This is my picture.

My picture of pain.

I look at it again,
And it's different; it's changed.
I don't know what it is now,
I don't think I ever did.
It's just release,
Release from all the hurt, all the pain inside.

So this is my picture.
Not drawn with pens, or pencils,
Or even inks.
It's drawn with blood.
And it's my own special 'body art'.

I believe your work has more potential than most of the people who post in this site, but it is the verbage that I believe can take your work to the next level. More accurate descriptions and more emotion behind words, but I can say at least you are headed in the right direction.

Oh my wow. I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat while reading this!!! This is some really amazing art. The imagery is so vivid and the emotions are so real. You grabbed me and pulled me through this world of yours and never let go until the last word. Magnificent job!

This is good. In places you paint your picture of pain with words and it seems effortless. Unfortunately as I read through the latter half of this poem i find you repeating yourself and this is detracting from the poem for me. I wonder why i am reading the same thing twice when the first time your words hit home directly. Repeating yourself is okay if it adds to the poem. here i do not think it is so. I get the feeling that you are trying to end the poem and yet cannot decide how.



Okay here is a good stanza but what is the purpose of the last line? if something has no relevance in a poem then do not say it. That said i think this stanza should stay because it is relevant to the poem. just drop the last line or change it to an image of polluted water. Something that draws a simile with your feelings would be great.



Here a river is flowing to who-knows-where. to me all rivers flow to the sea and although that may be cliched and a rather mundane image at least it would be correct. everyone knows where rivers run to. but here the river is not really a river but a line in the picture you are drawing. Remember for a river to run it must always follow gravity and a river never flows up-stream. I think the river image is good but how you have choosen to define it could do with some work.

What i see here is a good concept. not only are you talking about a drawing but that drawing is really the words of the poem. so the images you tie to the drawing are really the lines of your poem that you are writing. this in itself is excellent. you have some really great imagery in here too but it seems to hold confusion that could do with a little extra definition in the poem as a whole. Remember that you are using words to paint a picture that you are then comparing to something else entirely. brilliant concept but not easy to pull off. With some more work I think you will get there.

Just remember that to repeat yourself when drawing a picture is like making print of your work Good but not exactly the same thing as the art itself.

i ...dont know what to say...but WOW!! i felt every little thing you were saying....WOW!!

This is fantastic! It brings just about every sense of self doubt, self meaning, and self worth to the table. It compares to so many things. How poeple will do one thing and take credit for being so many, and how they wish they had done those other things. Just like the tree to a river to blood. I am putting this in the book as I think it is great exactly how it is.

Why was this removed from the book?? Just letting you know that I placed it back in here.

No idea hun....thanks for putting it back in :)

Lol. No prob. See? I'm telling you...communication is KEY. Lol.

Lol, I believes ya, I believes ya.

this truly was a valiant effort lilliaaan :) i'm soo proud of you lol

i especially liked the last line, for me, it summed up everyhting... my my, lillypoo, you certainly are a dark horse.

i like the metaphors used. a great write.

This is so great Lil. So great.