Namesake

I never searched smaller bodies.
Far in the stars, I sought lochs,
dredged lakes, peered into ponds,
sifted through rivers and streams
to get the gold God always gives
to those who burn for living water.

I bottled it all up, purchased plastic
excuses for excavating deeper into seas,
eradicated emotion to examine the oceans,
all four, and still thirsted for more.
Just picturesque delusions of a grandeur dam,
forcing flow to this parched heart,
grinding Grand Canyon carvings into chest cavities.
Waterfall-wooed, fixated on fleeting Old Faithfuls,
the sun dawned after two decades
to reveal to me to look for a brook.

July 23, 2007

wow. Tofu dear, this was quite a read.

There's so much going on and that its overwhelming (in a good way) like you're filling my mind with these fabulous images but yet theres something melancholy about it all.



Fab. use of alliteration and a slight rhyme. The first two lines of the quoted section tickles me. Purchased plastic excuses... rolls off the tongue with a bitter aftertaste

I hardly venture into the poetry sections these days but Im glad I did for this one. I dont like giving out criticisms purely because if the writer likes it enough to share to others then who am I to criticize? but I would like to say that I appreciated this very much :-)

Thanks for both of your responses, guys - I appreciate it.

Voodoo - the "four" is the four oceans - if that doesn't read I'll delete it.
and I must confess I'm a little too in love with alliteration - can I chock it up to style or is it really that bad? I'm a big Hopkins fan :)
you comment on the enjambment early on - does it resolve itself or is it a pervading issue?
I was using "get the gold" alluding to the cliche - if that doesn't translate I think I'll work your suggestion into there in some permutation.
Are you suggestion I take the word God out entirely or leave God in and add another reference in the next line? I wasn't sure what you were saying.

I'm changing a little per your suggestions, see if any of it reads any better. Nothing big yet :)

to echo your myspace, too cliche for words - it's an 11 on a 10 point scale

Your work has gotten increasingly complex over the years. I really see the echoes of Elizabeth Bishop and other poets you've read.

That said, while I like Bishop, I perfer Marianne Moore. Sometimes.

It's starting to seem a bit over the top. Too complex for the sake of being complex. Too much alliteration simply because you can. Neither complexity or alliteration is bad, but use it judiciously.

this line makes me curious: fixated on fleeting Old Faithfuls. The line reads so much better with the revision.


thanks for letting me know you had a new one up. Is your muse back yet?

I tried to out-cliche the cliches...alas, too pretentious? Undoubtedly. Stoppable? Doubtful.


And yeah, I probably should tone down the alliteration, I love it to the point of it losing all meaning - an encompassing character flaw, I assure you.

And she's present enough to spew these words everywhere, but not present enough to shut up my mind like I want it to. I am my sister; I'm just aware of it.

so does love lose all meaning when you "love [something/one] to the point of losing all meaning"?

in a slightly separate train of thought, how do such feelings affect your poetry: does poetry become simply something that you produce with much emotion but little feeling or meaning? Are your attempts to put feelings into words divorcing them from their intent until they are effectively meaningless?

After some of our dear poetical mates have spoken, I'd like to say: 'This is a GRAND poem, RT!'
Your alliterations are fine (I guess you know I'm pretty fond of them, just like you are...).
Congrats, you great poet.
Keep up your very good work!

Kindest regards from Holland,

Rikki

so 'complex' that it is puerile, in other words, a load of dung. Whatever you think of yourself doesn't change what you are, just another egoist...

Thanks so much for all your feedback guys!

And thanks Keith, I was trying to catch a childlike, self-aware egotism in the poem. I write a lot self-consciously and play into it as well as I can.

And aren't all artist egoists to a certain extent?

Again, thanks for the honest awareness of my change, rainrose, and voodoo, thanks for the in-depth suggestions. Always appreciated.