Okay, so second poem I've written in years. If you read it just comment for me please I really am struggling with writing lately and just need a little guidance and help. Thank you.

She parted her bubble gum pink
candy lips
and with a tongue slip,
licked his sweet cherry tongue.
She felt, a shiver of anticipation.

Quick beat on her thighs.

Whore red fingernails,
drag down skin.
He embraced her perfect flaws
Caressing eyes and groping hands.

Wrapped milky legs clutch tight.

God's name was called, but he was not there.

Simple_inspirations,
This wasa great erotic poem -- but I don't see how the last line fits in with the rest of it. Perhaps you should omit it.
~Davidf

Yeah I know. I needed some sort of closure for the poem and that was all that I could think of at the time. This is still definitely a work on progress, but thank you very much David for taking the time to read and comment this for me.

I agree with DavidF on both parts, it's good peice and the last line doesn't fit.

Great imagery, love colourful poems that just burst out of the reading.

my first impression is that this is a stutter of thoughts and cliched images.



to start with sweet cherry is a cliche through and through. Think to yourself about how many times you have read/heard that expression and you will realise what i am saying. Always ask yourself; have I heard this expression before? am I repeating what I have heard? Dont be afraid to experiment.

Also I will add that the repetition of tongue really detracts from your poem. a tongue slip is a poorer way of saying a slip of the tongue, which is also cliched. Then you repeat yourself. I hear what your saying and the sentiment is good but the expression is not original enough to make it entirely yours.

Personally speaking, if I was to try and improve things without taking too much away from what you already have I would look towards something like this:

She parted her pink bubble gum painted pout and,
with a tongue which stuttered in between
licked cherry sweet lips,
discovered a stammer of anticipation

notice how the words stutter and stammer are similar in meaning and in sound and also play along with each other? they are also related to the mouth, to tongues, to lips, and also obviously to speech; thus expression. As i said the image you begin with is cliche but think more about the images you use, even if they are cliched. Stretch those images to their extent and you may find you will pull more out of them than you originally thought possible.

Also do not be afraid to write long sentences. they can be rearranged and shortened easily to suit your purpose. Personally, I find it is always more difficult to add to a sentence than it is to take away. so go for it and make it a long loaded sentence. it can always be edited. This works both ways. so which ever you find more comfortable.



as this stands it does not follow on from the first stanza. First you talk about a kiss then about a quick beat on your thighs. Furthermore the quick beat on your thighs is quickly over with no supporting imagery or expanding expression. It is too blunt to stand as it is. Expand on this or find somewhere else for it in the poem.



Whats going on here? why the short sentences which are simply bad english?

drag down skin

what is that saying when placed in a line on its own? if you are creating a line that is to stand on its own and does not grammatically follow on from the previous line then isolate the line and ask yourself what you mean by this action. think about how you can make it part of a sentence, or the image, or how you would support what you are saying and expand upon it. Again I say do not be afraid to write long sentences. This really reads like you are limiting yourself rather than allowing yourself to speak. whatever you write can be edited later so write more not less.

Her whore red fingernails
trace sentences of ravaged/broken skin,
where he can read her perfected flaws
in painful claws, groping hands, and screaming eyes.

Here are a few more ideas of what I would do if I was working upon this poem. This is the kind of direction I would be looking to take it in. Of course what I see is not necessarily what you would want/desire to do yourself but it is an indication of how your poem can be expanded upon. Once again do not be afraid to write too much. Its easier to use the delete key than it is to type.

Overall I don't see a disaster. i see someone who appears to be afraid to experiment with words. A person who is using tried and tested images to convey emotions and thus normalising the feeling rather than expressing whats occurring within. Let go and stop worrying about getting it right. Perfection is something only I can obtain. :lmao: I'm joking of course. Except for the part about me being perfect lol

Holy. You're right Paul, I did ask for this. You were not too harsh, you were honest and I would never expect anything else but the brutal truth from you. I needed to hear it and it helps me. I did limit myself, a lot. I wanted it to sound a certain way and in thinking that it had to sound a certain way I struggled to get the words to come to me because I was trying to fit something. I haven't written in so long and I'm afraid of writing something bad that it's hard, which is stupid because I limit what I do which in turn makes it not good work. Anyway, now I'm rambling. Thank you, I really do appreciate you taking the time for me. I am definitely working on this thing....keep your fingers crossed for me!

:crosses fingers:

well i just spent about 20 minutes typing you up another reply and then accidentally closed the window without posting my reply. bugger! oh well.

basically I was saying that if your not getting anywhere with this poem then write another. If your struggling with poetry then try prose. If you think its bad then so what; write it anyway. Maybe if you wrote a few bad poems it would help inspire on good poem. maybe if you wrote prose you would find the images and subject that could be used to create a poem

after a long break in my writing i find it hard to express myself again in the way i used to because I have changed as a person and thus my expression needs to change to reflect that. So I write as much as I can. I write up loads of imagery which out subject and I write up subject without imagery. I write in poetical styles and I also write in prose style. Just so I can can reread my thoughts and ideas without having to constantly swirl them around my head, while forgetting the good parts. I don't care how they appear to other people. Its simply a way of exercising my brain and trying to improve my skills. Along the way amongst all the utter crap i write I usually find at least one good piece of work that was worth the effort.

so don't be afraid to write badly as that is where everyone must begin and its part of the process. No one writes good poems all the time.