Those beautiful dawn-lit shores,
Brushed against the vast waves of joy,
The moon must whisper beyond,
She is the essence of my innermost thoughts,

Jeweled light oceans,
Where playful dreams are hiding,
Precious walkway to the heavens,
She is the ray of light in my life,

Magic tides rolled glittering,
Vivid reds cascading from the sky,
Mystic visions surrounding our secrets,
She is the spark that flames my desire,

Hazel eyes finding deep into my soul,
By night enchanting the unchained melody,
Her song of passion holds the key,
In the majestic landscapes of love.

Those beautiful dawn-lit shores,
Brushed against the vast waves of joy,
The moon must whisper beyond,
She is the essence of my inmost thoughts,

inmost should be innermost.

Jeweled light oceans,
Where playful dreams are hiding,
Precious walkway to the heavens,
She is the rays of light in my life,

she is the rays of light in my life just sounds hinky. maybe take away the plural on rays.
she is the ray of light in my life --- sounds much better.


Magic tides rolled glittering,
Vivid reds cascading from the sky,
Mystic visions surrounding our secrets,
She is the spark that flame's my desire,

flames is not a possessive -- shouldnt be an apostrophe.

over and all nice work -- i remember when i was young and in love, and even when i was old and in love --youre a braver man than i --- i couldnt name one of my poems "majestic landscapes of love" - i couldnt even use those words.

then again i do seem to recall writing a line "you orphaned my loneliness" so i dont have much room to talk lol.

ps-see, i can be nice. its just not as much fun!

Well, Im a bit overwhelmed by this poems scope.your title is "Majestic Landscapes..." and I feel the landscapes have overpowered the rather delicate frame of what your love is.

A few (humble) tips and please take this only as advice to be thrown in the trash can if you feel Im getting your intentions all wrong.

Consider doing something with that "she" which makes the poem more generalised and less intimate. Its called third person, after all, and except for Charles Aznavour, I ve not seen it used to much effect. Dont explain-show.

The idea is excellent, but quite tough to pull off and needs more handling.

Again, this is meant to help; but just take it as an old codgers finickiness if you wish.


All the best

Thanks Legion, I've made the necessary technical changes :-)

And thanks tony, you're right it's a tough one to pull off, but I had a need to write so I had a go :-)

It's quite lovely, nevertheless, Adam, particularly because it's heartfelt.