Her radiant beauty consumes me,
like a lark
on a distanct meadow does her voice
ravishingly echo.

Sadly, I know that though I want her
I cannot.
But I will live on and, if I must,
let her love another.

So she does love another.
Truly it kills me
to know I am not in her heart
though she'll e'er be in mine.

Mayhap in time, she will love me back,
until then
I will live alone, forever forlorn
'til she returns my love.

If she does I'll let her love.
Let her love me, let her love me.
Only me.

too many clauses. or even if there isn't, too many commas. it feels disjointed. the "truly it kills me" is awkward with the line break in the middle. I like hte 'mayhap,' 'e're,' and 'forlorn.' the "'lone" is a bit awkward. I like the last line. its a bit of "zinger." (hehe, that should be on mrs. dowd's vocab cards!!) polish, polish, polish makes perfect. :) and I sound really harsh, don't i? I'm sorry. i don't mean to be!!! its just that I know you and I know that you can write really well. some of your ideas just need focusing.


who cares if this love poem is outdated? all of your love poems will be outdated one day. finish up this one before all of the feeling passes.

rainrose, I really don't mind if you hack my poem into thirteen hundred pieces...and the feelings for this poem pretty much have faded.

I edited it a little, I don't really enjoy redoing my poems, but is it any better?

I read it again and basically, revise the sentence structure. I know you did good in English, c'mon.

I write poetry so I don't have to have good sentence structure, now you're telling me I need good sentence structure? What a cruel, cruel world!

no, I mean... um.... well... arggg! i don't mean perfect, I mean more understandable!!