he stands on the stage
he just finished his play
but nobody claps
"he's no good" they all say.

he knows he still struggles
he wishes they'd know
that the pride he displays
is all just for show.

he does not have confidence
he has no self-worth
he'll never have happiness
he'll never have mirth.

but he performs on
praying someday he'll earn
respect or a true friend
for these things he yearns.

yet he knows he won't get them
his life never goes right
all hope that he had
his existence did smite.

so he tarries forever
with his miserable act
always losing not gaining
on a sad, hopeless track

since I know you write rhyming, I checked the rhyme before I even read the poem. good job, only one forced rhyme: act/track


when you say "his play" you are implying perhaps more than you realize. Yes, you took responsibility for the play, but it can also come across as selfish. Knowing your personality, I don't think that you meant it selfishly, but I think that subconciously you have a bit of ego and pride in that point. If I were you (thank goodness I'm not) I would probably take the ideas in this poem (for the first and last verse at least) and then create a more solid metaphor by keeping things a bit more abstract and show the crowds reation to him (like "not a clap could be heard" type thing, not "nobody claps") and bring back the theater idea in the last verse, not track. keep focus young one. generalizing ove rthe rest of it, it doesnt' flow like hot butter on a bald monkey's head, its more like molasses. not stilted, just not as great as it can be.

ok, i'm sorry, i wanted to do more indepth than this, but I'm getting a headache and I"m talking to you on AIM and yeah. sorry

okay, thanks for the advice...interesting flow metaphor... <_<
anyway, I'll take your advice...back to the drawing board...again.

:bows: crack kills and drama messes you up. it was scott's turnip metaphor and highman's wheels that did it.

I know about the spinning wheels, but what was the turnip thing?

i don't remember anymore... maybe I meant onion. but you weren't there for that either...

I really liked this, and it is so true to life as well. So many of us go around day to day doing things we either aren't good at or that others think we aren't good at just to find respect or somethinat that will care. Very nice portrayal. Great job.