for the last few months, i've been second-guessing myself in dealing with my son... good and bad. if he was being naughty one day, i don't wanna punnish him until i have the OK from my b/f... who is not his father. if my son was being good that day, i don't know the right way to praise him. everything involving my son (and every day life, it's looking to be) is revolved around how my b/f would feel, think, say, and/or do. i don't know if its a control thing or if i've just lost my "self-power" and ability to think for myself... suggestions?

well, i can't speak on a parental behalf but i can speak on the behalf of a child or children who have been in a situation of having a mom with boyfriend(s) who were not my own father....

how the child will take your own reactions when it comes to the boyfriend depends on how long the boyfriend has been around, the nature of your relationship with the boyfriend (is it good? is he controlling? does he take over stuff? etc), and how frequently you change boyfriends.... i mean, not to put it in any kind of harsh way but that's just the reality

frankly, i didnt give a crap what any of my mom's bfs said unless they were really nice ones that i liked lol b/c she changed bfs, seemingly pretty often..... maybe she's with them a few months maybe a few yrs (usually a few yrs)
then too, one or two of those bfs she had a child with... if one of those bfs is the father of one of my siblings then i take them a little more seriously

but she's had a bf or two that i can remember specifically who came in and tried to act like a father figure lol and i'm like ummmmmm who the hell do u think u r

having said that, i dont think you should base your interactions with your son around your boyfriend.... unless you're THIS close to being married.... and he's gonna accept the responsibility of adopting your son.... and my main reason for saying that above the ones i already mentioned is because of the fact that there are crazy women out there who have a child (especially a son) and then get a boyfriend who is not the child's father and listen to everything and every decision the man makes over their own child....
and whether you're doing that or not, that's how it will appear to your son, whether he'll ever admit it or not


i mean, put yourself in your son's shoes.... you may or may not remember how you and your mom were b4 Mr. Man came in, and then she changes after he gets there.... all of a sudden she goes through Mr. Man before dealing with you.... that wouldn't set right with you, would it? me neither....





so all in all, i'm just saying: be careful when it comes to going through your bf to deal with your son in any type of way.... extremely cautious indeed

for once i am in complete and total agreement with blu.


he is your son -- all decisions regarding him are yours and yours alone. until he steps up to the plate and marries you (which i believe in a past post you were speaking of leaving him) and adopts your son.

three years ago i married a women who has three children from two different marriages. i didnt just marry her, i married her and her children. the oldest two see their father every other weekend, the littlest one doesnt know her father cause he was nothing more than a sperm donor that left when she was a baby. i am the only daddy she knows. if he wants to be a part of your son's life he has to be willing to BE a part of your son's life.

until then---every decision is yours.




smooooooooooooooooooooooch

This just caught my eye. Are you deferring to your boyfriend in all decisions/actions in your life, or just with this?

This is your son. He senses so much more than you probably suspect. Show him your love and respect by dealing with him, both good and bad, by your own instincts and not in awaiting what someone else's judgment of him is.

I don't know how old your son is, but particularly when he is doing great things, I can't imagine you wouldn't want to praise him or at least express your pleasure in what's going on.

Once you let someone else start telling you how to feel or act on something as important as your son must be to you, where will it end?

Pamme

my son is 5. i've been with my b/f for over 2 years. and yes, unfortunately, i do every day things based on what i think he'll say about it. about dealing with my son, i try to do it on my own. i have told eric (b/f) that trent is MY son and MY responsability and he needs to back off. he tells me that he wishes trent was his son and wants to back me up with what i say and/or do in good and bad situations. problem is, he interrupts me when i'm talking to my son about how to behave in school. yes, i'm talking about today actually. my son got in trouble for telling his teacher "no" when she asked him to do something, running out of class to go to the bathroom without permission, and throwing and kicking toys around. i was talking to him about these things and eric interrupted me and went on his own tangent of lecture that wasn't very closely related to what i was talking about. there's just days when i don't want to get upset and frustrated at eric about whatever it is he thinks he can do better than me, and i just keep my mouth shut... seems to be more and more as the days go on.

and yes, legion, i was talking about leaving him. that thought is in my mind every other day. and when i'm not thinking of leaving him, i'm wondering when he'll ask me to marry him... i don't know which one i want more.

Sometimes, at the end of a tough day, it's easier to just go along with things than speak your mind. However, I think you'll soon find one day becomes the next and before you know it, you have completely lost control of your life to someone who may mean well and care a great deal about you. Your ambivalence speaks volumes. Only you can decide what's most important to you and your son.

Pamme