Ok, so I dated a girl for around 20 months. Things started going downhill, we argued alot, she'd been minorly unfaithful (only a kiss, yet still unfaithful), and decided to take a break and see other people. I went out to eat with this girl I had known and hung out with in a group a few times before me and my girlfriend started dating. We went to dinner and talked about all sorts of stuff, and she has a boyfriend. This girl is beautiful, more inside than out, but still on the outside too. Needless to say, after this first real one-on-one hang out time, I was hooked. Some background on us two, I was a hard partier when she knew me, and she partied some too. I had also done some other stuff she wasn't fond of, and now almost two years later I have honestly started changing the way I am.

A couple problems, starting with the obvious, she has a boyfriend. Not that major, she's against commitment actually and was against relationships until college (which she is starting next year, after taking a year off from school to travel) I'm not sure how she fell into a relationship and I don't particularly care, but from conversation she makes it seem like he likes her alot more than she likes him. Anyways, she's going away to Europe for a full year at the end of August and they are breaking up. Second problem, she's going away to Europe for a year at the end of August. Again, not major, I am more than willing to wait for her if she wants. She has given me her address for the place she is working so I'm planning to send her a package on her birthday with a letter expressing my feelings and a CD with a song that I wrote for her. Is that too over the top? Last, and most major problem I think, is her impression of how I used to be. Partier, all that stuff. I have changed alot, didn't drink hardly at all in the year and a half since she'd seen me, and she was surprised about the new me. The only thing I'm worried about is that she will think it's just a show that I'm putting on to win her over and that I haven't really changed at all, which could obviously ruin any chance I have with her.

What are your thoughts? And what do you suggest?

Okay first of all, this girl has a boyfriend and is going behind him by having dates with other guys and secondly you state she isn't looking for commitment. So you need to ask yourself what you want from this girl? Because to me it sounds like you want a relationship with her, and thats going to involve commitment AND trust, something which seems shes perhaps is not very good at.

If I've got the wrong end of the stick I apologize, and I don't think you can do enough to win a girls heart, I make the type of person who would show in every possible way how much I like a girl. If you remain truthful and honest, then you're doing the right thing and she'll respect you for that.

Hi,
Since you asked for advice, I am going to give you the female perspective. First I agree with Adam, if she's sending out vibes that she is interested in you and she is involved in a relationship, no matter how lopsided she presents who likes who more, this is a RED FLAG!

This is not to say that there might not be something there between the two of you, however, you cannot and I repeat cannot put your life on hold for someone who hasn't even told you that she wants to have a relationship with you.

It's hard when you think you have found that certain someone, you think by letting them go, you will be missing out on an opportunity. But right now you don't seem to have anything to hang on to.
You cannot wait for someone if they have no intention of coming back to you!

The CD might be a bit over the top, ask someone to critique it for you. A little secret, if it's not good or too mushy she'll play it for her friends and they will have a field day with it. They will, it's what some of us do, I'm not proud of it, but it's the way it sometimes is.

Let me also tell you this, very often "beautiful" girls are very insecure and they need and crave a lot of male adoration. Are you sure she doesn't have other men on a string?

You have inspired me to write, I am posting it in the "love" category and it is titled Untethered. I'm afraid my poem tells you what I believe might happen.

Be careful!!!
Just my thoughts.
seraph

Hmm, a couple things. She isn't the type to go behind the back of the guy she's dating. We've both made it clear that there is nothing between us right now because she has a boyfriend, but sometimes I just get that vibe that she would like something to be there but doesn't want to commit to anything because A) she has a boyfriend right now and B) she's leaving for a year, not that she doesn't want commitment at all. She's the kind of girl that won't do anything with a guy without a commitment. I have to admit I'm an expert at misreading signs and overanalyzing a situation so maybe she really does just want to be good friends, and the CD is a friend of mine that sings, I just wrote one song on it so it's not like a collection of love songs I've written for her haha. If she wants to play it for her friends and have a good laugh that's cool with me. I'd be the butt of a joke all day as long as I can watch her smile.

Oh Backman,
You've got it bad. You just make sure you're reading the signs correctly. Do you have a friend you trust that you can talk about this with? I mean someone who knows both of you?
You take care of yourself.
seraph

Yes, it's been discussed to the point we're sick of talking about it haha. I'm not gonna call her anymore, if she wants to talk she can call me. Hopefully she'll get in touch before she leaves. If not, oh well, life goes on right?

Hi Backman,
I think that is wise. If you put the ball back in her court it will give you a better read on her feelings.
seraph