Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: A light at the end of the tunnel
Drytear.Net - The Writing Community > // Poetry - Read. Write. Discuss. // > Team Literature > Word Burn's Burning Words
Menefirithion
I really love my life,
so full of constant
disappointment.
I finally see a light
at the end of the tunnel
after all these years;
Yet it is just another car
blocking my path.
I understand that God has a plan for me,
but I have trouble believing so.
Whenever I've convinced myself of that fact,
something always has to come along,
something has to come along,
just to shatter my dreams.
I don't question my faith, nor ever will;
but with all the automobile adversaries,
I question only myself.
rainrose
I think that the all caps take away from it.  The comma after light is not needed.  period after path.  this might flow better.  instead of
I know that God has a plan for me
I do indeed have trouble believing
I try to convince myself again and again
how 'bout:
I know that God has a plan for me;
I still have trouble believing and
try to convince myself again and again
or something like that.  either that or I would suggest changing the opening couple lines to an "I, I, I" pattern. You have it at the end and in the middle, so it would work.  the "do indeed" part doesn't read quite right.
I love the last line.  I like how you used the light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-and-car metaphor, but try to tie it in at the end too.  Not only give the example, but carry it throughout.
Wow.  overall, I liked this poem.  soooo much better than that first poem of yours I saw, and arguably better than your wedding epic.
Menefirithion
I changed it a bit, might have made it worse, but check it out and give me feedback, k rainrose? Thanks.
rainrose
I like the way the three last lines started with I before.  It fit well.  theres just this thing that it flows better as one or three, not two.  

something always has to come along,
something has to come along,

too repetive with no new information.  a punctuation change would help so you don't have to change the lines, but yeah, depends on how strong you want it to be.  maybe adding the car tie in here, instead of at the end would work better.
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2012 Invision Power Services, Inc.
 Runescape