Title: Bittersweet Summer
Date Written: 6-4-2004
Name: Leah Anderson
Theme: Loss

We sat on the roof that lazy,
humid, last day of August-
watching the sky wilt like
drenched violets.

You did not speak-
and neither did I.

Our magical summer was dying.
Soon we'd be in sweaters
and schoolbooks again.

We lived during those days
of heat and restrained, innocent passion.
Dancing around glowing campfires-
exotic and tan like the gypsies we were.
Talking in the golden aftermath of thunderstorms-
a halo around your red-head
and one around my flaxen.

Our waterglasses were always full, and
life was perfect.

On our final day of unsullied youth-
(before we knew what joyful losses
and heartbreaking gains the year would bring)
-we ended the amazing summer,
and our love, watching the flowers wilt.

Great parallelism here.
This makes me kinda sad that summer will be over, even though it hasn't started yet, lol. Good write, Leah!

These are my two favorite lines in the whole thing, love them!



I, however, found myself unsatisfied (I'm rarely satisfied!) with just 'struggles' here. The rest of your poem was so wonderfully alive with imagery I enjoyed, so when I got to struggles I couldn't help but want to know just a little more. If you don't want to expand your poem with specifics, an adjective before struggles could work wonders.

Oh, upon another read, right here:



It sounds almost like you were going to be wearing your schoolbooks. Perhaps you could change it to something resembling but better than: Our magical summer was dying/soon we'd be wrapped up in sweaters/and buried in schoolbooks again. Could just be me envisioning schoolbooks as the latest fad in outerwear though!

LOL and to show you how opinion varies here on FC, I actually LOVED this part. One of my favorite parts, I thought it so clever.

Leah, this really surprised me. Your other writing around the site seems lacking compared to this piece. It's wonderful, what a gorgeous story.

here, first you say "silently watching the sky"
then you add "you didn't speak, and neither did I" ...which is kind of redundant, since you just said you were "silently watching the sky". see what I mean? I think if you just took out 'silently', that would take care of that redundancy and you won't lose the weight of "You didn't speak- and neither did I." (because I really love those two lines set to themselves).

I actually pointed that out because that's my favorite part of the poem...'watching the sky wilt' is fabulous, great imagery.

lots of gold here... is there a better descriptor for the aftermath of thunderstorms? sparkling maybe? shimmering? glowing?

I love that part, though.

This entire poem has the feel of August... that winding-down, hot and lazy feel, when things are left unsaid and excitement builds with school-shopping. That always leaves you a little bit sad, though, to leave behind the special things that always happen, and only happen, in the summer. This is a really emotional, well-written poem. I'm impressed.

I love what you did here:

It's fantastic!

I was going to point out the "soon we'd be in sweaters and schoolbooks" part too, lol. Until I read your explanation, and it made sense. I can understand that, because when I was in school I sometimes felt like I would never get out of the pile of reading our research.

I also really like the part about where you say wilting like violets,
and the line

this is wonderful, reminds me of how, right before the school year starts, you feel so wonderful, and you know that everyone will be better this year, and you feel like your summer couldn't have been more perfect

What if you changed cornsilk to flaxen? Just a thought, this is a wonderful piece! I will be on the look out for more of your work!

And in the book it goes.

Congratulations! This is a wonderful piece, and a perfect addition to the book.

Wonderful work here Leah. Those first two verses are just perfect in imagery and scenery. I am very glad to read this as a representative of Drytear in the Book. Congrats.

Bryan

Indeed.

One of the better pieces I've read lately. Two thumbs up!


Arthur

This poem is a great work, my one downer is I would rather "did not" than "didn't", that is ok for lazy writers, not one with such talent as you have. Yes, I would have picked this for the book myself.