Theme: Sadness/Helplessness
Title: Silence
Date: November 1st 2003
Name: Alyssa Rensberry
(edited below in thread)


Silently I scream
From the place inside
That feels deeper than words
I cry with all I have in me
In all I have done,
Nothing has hurt so much
My hands grasp helplessly
For the pieces of your heart
Scattered on the floor
The panic and frustration
Leave me feeling helpless
And all I can do is cry
And watch
And make myself sick with worry,
With fear
Everything seems so empty,
So cold
My screaming is silent
As my raw throat begins to bleed
With the desperate effort to make you
See, hear, anything
Over and over again
And I cry
For my own sad release

Alyssa, I think that this would read better with line breaks, spaces where your thoughts end. You caught my attention with "deeper than words", and the poem explains the feeling well.

Bryan

This a good poem Alyssa. I did as Bryan suggested and broke it into stanzas, as I read it and added punctuation . It helped immensely

Quote
"My hands grasp helplessly
for the pieces of your heart
scattered on the floor.

The panic and frustration
leaves me feeling helpless,
and all I can do is cry."


I've been there through the turmoil of strained or shattered relationships, wishing desparately that it wasn't happening, unable to do much except cry.

All one can do then is back off and let time do it's healing.

Thanks for the advice you guys!

Silently I scream
From the place inside
That feels deeper than words.

I cry with all I have in me.

In all I have done,
Nothing has hurt so much.

My hands grasp helplessly
for the pieces of your heart
scattered on the floor.

The panic and frustration
leave me feeling helpless,
and all I can do is cry...

And watch...

And make myself sick with worry,
With fear.

Everything seems so empty,
So cold.

My screaming is silent
As my raw throat begins to bleed
With the desperate effort to make you
See, hear, anything...

Over and over again
I cry,
For my own sad release.

Alyssa, that reads much more powerfully with the separations... it gives your lines more pause and distinction. I'm impressed.

Bryan

Ohhh, yes. Much better with the changes. Nicely done! :)

I have to agree... great job with the revisions!
The pauses allow the reader a moment of reflection on what they've just read, and as it sinks in, it burrows straight into the heart and we are able to feel the emotion with you, and relate. Very nice job, Alyssa!

Way to go Alyssa. This is a good work that improved greatly with just a little sharpening. This will fit nicely in the Book.

Bryan