Title: To September
Theme: Nature
Date Written: c. 9-9-03
Author: rainrose



Hello, September, I remember you.
Your darkened streets and dusky night,
the first fall of rain and wind of leaves.
I remember your black promises
of cold winters and icy storms
preluded by your temperamental gale.
I remember your unseasonable sun
shining, inviting me to join
in frozen games of school.
I remember your moonlit paths
inviting me to wander
among the wild-broken roses.
I remember your overhanging clouds
sinking into sunrise
as the colors vibrate on the wall.
I remember your rain
that pounded on my head
and watered down the passion.

Ah, September.

I remember you.

------------------

funky nature stuff, eh? I don't normally write nature driven stuff without a metaphor in mind, but this kinda popped up. Reminds me of Robert Frost in a way. Dunno why. Maybe because I used to read him a bit last year (still during my writers block) and its influencing my work now. *shrug* I'm happy with this, though as always, i appreciate critiques.

I like the undercurrent of transition riding through this Jewel. Nice write. One note: *temperamental*

Bryan

Thank you, Bryan! I feel as if this this one is not finished... any suggestions anyone?

Lets see...

I really think overall this is a great piece. I think maybe you could add some "sense" motivation behind your words... like for example:

[QUOTE]Your darkened streets and dusky night,
the first fall of rain and wind of leaves.
I remember your black promises
of cold winters and icy storms
preluded by your temperamental gale.[QUOTE]

I think if you could add some sensory details as to how the rain felt... or how the coldness of the wind made you feel... if it was piercing... or if it was dry... and maybe add color in there somewhere... that would be the only thing I could offer. Otherwise I think this is a pretty cool poem. Good Job.

Lizz

Perhaps you can add a bit more of what you remember - hot chocolate, frostbite, raking, more and more layers of clothes, the slow fade from green to brown... I'm sure you have plenty to draw from. But this is a great start.

Bryan

what do guys think of this? i added from paths to passion

I like the additions. I think just a couple of changed words will make it a bit better. I'll use the ol' copy and edit.
Just some thoughts. I like this a lot Jewel. Good job. Maybe you're a latent Nature mistress.

Bryan

Lol, i doubt it Bryan. I had thought of "my wall" but wasn't sure if it flowed. The change of "the" to "your" made me look back at the poem, and I'm going to change it to be alternating the and your to give it a bit of uniformity. (edit: scratch that, didn't work)

um... doubtfull about me being nature's mistress. I occasionally write about God's awesome creation, but rarely read it with great... erm, enthrallment. Unless, of course, it is awesome.

Well, how about just A Good Poet? And I think we all suffer from own-worst-critic syndrome Jewel. It's rare that I'm satisfied with something I've written, much less enjoy it or "read it with enthrallment" lol. But anyway, this is a good poem.

Bryan

thank you Bryan!

a couple things.

first of all, i love september.
second of all, everyone should.
third of all...wait, i said a couple of things. may i cheat?

third of all, i have some suggestions. in the begininning, you say of september, "i remember your this, and i remember your that." at the end, you also speak in the same voice. however, in the middle, you speak with a different voice and say of something, perhaps september, "i remember the this, and i remember the that." i think your poem would hang together better if you were consistent the whole way through (I remember your...). it would be clear, then, that all of these things were...of september.

the phrase "preluded by" feels awkward to me. does it feel awkward to you?

i really enjoyed your ending (in yeller below). it has an economy of words that the rest of the poem could probably benefit from.
I remember your rain
that pounded on my head
and watered down the passion.
i like it because of the contradictory sense that in addition to increasing passion by bringing it down all around you, the rain may also be lessening your passion, your...heartache...by diluting it, by watering it down. Your storm imagery and wild-broken roses help bring out this alternate meaning more, and it could be something to explore further, either in this poem or a completely different one.

i always enjoy your poems.

thank you magician! i changed the the/your inconsistancy. I didn't notice that.

poems are a work in progress and this is no exception. I'll continue to look it over. :)

I Love this poem! Haven't got any valuable comments but I Love this poem! :D September is so beautiful. This poem brought me there.. thank you

You could say one more line where ever you think it would fit in, "I remember yesterday..and whatever fits the poem.

This is a fantastic piece and, being September again, is reminiscent of where I was last year. Has it been so long already?

Wonderful writing, Jewelies. Into the book!

Thank you, Sam! I had forgotten about this one myself until you mentioned it.

I feel quite honored.

rainrose,

September is almost upon us and when I found your poem and it made me remember the beauty of this month.

Very inviting work.

elise

Jewel,
How nice that Elise brought this forward and at the most appropriate time. It almost makes me welcome the end of August. Almost.

Lovely work here. I enjoyed reading the suggestions that brought it to where it is now. You have a simplicity in your writing that I greatly like.